


Hearts in Armor

by motherbearof3



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barba comes back, Barba sings, F/M, Feelings Realization, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, a little smut, it's been 596 freaking days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-31 06:14:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20788034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherbearof3/pseuds/motherbearof3
Summary: Barba comes back. 'Nuf said. Because it's been 596 freaking days!





	Hearts in Armor

**Author's Note:**

> After I heard Raul Esparza's version of Trisha Yearwood's "Hearts in Armor" and read the lyrics, I knew I had to work it into a Barson fic. It's nearly 10 p.m. EST and the record breaking S21 season premiere is about to air so I wanted to get this posted before it did, because it's what I'd have liked to see tonight. I was going to break this into two chapters and post the one the other day, but my beta said no, it needs to be all one story. So here we are. I made myself giggle several times while writing this. I hope you do too! Enjoy!
> 
> All the credit for these characters goes to Dick Wolf. Without him, we wouldn't have had SVU for last last 21 seasons!

Olivia Benson sat down on the couch with her legs tucked beneath her and leaned into the cushions with a sigh, enjoying the silence in the apartment. 

Between work and learning she was getting a new detective and Noah starting school, it had been a busy week that ended with a birthday party for one of Noah’s friends. She’d skipped out of work early, ignoring the paperwork on her desk and they’d made it to the party for two sets of glow in the dark bowling on time. He had a hard time settling down, telling her he wanted to do that for his birthday, but he was finally asleep. Classes had started on Wednesday and even though it was only three days, they got right down to business in second grade. He’d brought home a list of spelling words to learn for the next week, a list of supplies and a list of requests for the classroom. That was just the actual paperwork. Her email box had been filled daily with information that included the monthly calendar, a link to a volunteer sign up website and a reminder to update his emergency contact information. She was looking at the list of school supplies and wondering if they could find them all in one place the next day after fall ball practice when her phone notified her of an incoming email. Olivia hesitated opening the email app because Deputy Chief Dodds told her would be sending her a short list of names and she really didn’t feel like thinking about that over the weekend. But she was Captain now and part of her felt like she needed to prove to him she had earned that promotion. Her phone chimed again. She tapped the icon.

There were two new emails. One, as expected, was from Dodds. But the title of the other one and its sender set her heart racing. It had been almost 16 months since she had seen some form of that name; the last time was when she was making a list of the people she wanted to invite to her swearing in ceremony as captain. But having no way to contact him, the envelope with Rafael Barba’s name went unmailed and was still in the basket on her desk at work. Even his mother hadn’t an address, she said. That was an interesting relationship triangle, Olivia thought. Her, Noah and Lucia Barba. 

After Barba’s resignation from the DAs office and abrupt departure from her life, Olivia had buried herself in work, spending long hours at the precinct until finally Fin sat her down one day and told her she “looked like hell” and to go home and spend some time with her son. She put her phone on Do Not Disturb and spent two days on the couch with Noah. At one point he asked about Uncle Rafa and she fought back tears as she admitted she didn’t know where her best friend had gone. The boy asked,_ “Doesn’t his momma know?” _ and Olivia wondered if she did. Not knowing if she would even use the information if she got it, but needing to know if Lucia Barba knew how he was doing, she found the woman’s number and called her.

Their conversation was stilted at first, but then the older woman heard Noah in the background and invited the two of them to a carnival at her school the following weekend. The two women followed him around as he played games and made friends, and were able to talk about the man who had disappeared from their lives without either of them getting overly emotional. Lucia had received a few emails from him, none telling her where he was or what he was doing, only that he was well and apologizing for his behavior. Looking back, Olivia wasn’t even sure how it happened, but she and Noah started spending more and more time with the elder Barba, until they were meeting her for weekly brunches on Sundays. She had even taken Noah a couple times when Lucy had a conflict and Olivia got called in to work and was teaching him Spanish. When the boy asked if he could call her _ Abuela _Lucia instead of Miss Lucia like he had been, his mother realized the woman had taken the place of Sheila Porter, with whom her son had begun to form a close bond before all hell broke loose. It was almost like they had a family now. There was only one person missing. And it seemed like he had finally decided to contact her. A small surge of anger welled up in her but was quickly quashed by her desire to reestablish contact, however minimal it might be. With a trembling finger she opened the email.

The subject line said Hello, Liv. That greeting was repeated on the first line. Then, 

_ There probably aren’t enough words to tell you how sorry I am for walking away from you. If you never want to see me again, I understand. It’s taken me awhile but I’ve gotten my head back together (I think), learned a few things about myself and I wanted to try and explain. I thought this might help. If you want, you can call me. _

I was signed simply, _ Rafael _with a phone number beneath. Attached to the email was an audio file. Olivia read the five sentences through a second time and then a third, before she opened the attachment. Her stomach jumped with pleasure when she heard his voice say her name for the first time in almost two years. It sounded the same as she remembered. 

“Forgive me, Liv. I’m still rusty at this. It’s been a long time. And no, I didn’t write this.” He chuckled and then cleared his throat nervously. “I just thought the words might help you understand.”

Then she heard a guitar being played. _ He plays the guitar? _ She thought. But then he began to sing, and the words brought tears to her eyes. 

_ One more day _  
_ My heart's in armor _  
_ Though I meant to let you in _  
_ In an effort not to harm it _ _  
I have missed my chance again_

_ I was singing when I freed you _  
_ But my pride was just a veil _  
_ I pretended not to need you _ _  
Now my heart tells a different tale_

_ And every hour that goes by _  
_ The harder I become _  
_ Because I let that well run dry _ _  
Because I left you unanswered_

_ Then like a fool I kept my secret _  
_ When it made no sense to try _  
_ Now I can no longer keep it _ _  
For it's late and the moon is high_

_ And every hour that goes by _  
_ The harder I become _  
_ Because I let that well run dry _ _  
Because I left you unanswered_

_ One more day my heart's in armor _  
_ Though I did not see it then _  
_ I would finish what you started _ _  
If I had that chance again_

_ I would finish what you started _

_ If I had that chance again _

By the time the final chord faded away, Olivia had tears streaming down her face. She hadn’t cried over him in a very long time, and now she pulled her glasses off, covered her face with her hands and sobbed quietly; mindful of her son sleeping down the hall. Then she drew a deep breath and wiped her face with her fingers. Needing to hear his voice again, she played the song a second time. There were a few fumbled chords, and not every note was in key, but the imperfections added to the honesty of the emotions in his words. After it finished, she held the phone to her chest, as if she could embrace him through the device. Then she held it out and looked at the time. It’s wasn’t late in New York. If he was anywhere west it was even earlier. All she had to do was touch those ten numbers to make the call. Funny things, smart phones. They didn’t give you the opportunity to chicken out before dialing the last number. One touch and his phone would be ringing. _Be brave, Benson, _she told herself. _Fearlessness, remember? _Her lips twisted wryly. She wasn’t fearless when it came to relationships, she thought. If she had been, she’d have stopped the former ADA from walking out of her life. But now he’d given her a second chance. She wasn’t passing up on that again. Olivia gave the phone number the slightest touch and the screen changed to show the call connecting. Heart pounding, she raised it to her ear. It rang twice and was answered during the third. 

“Hi. I guess you got my email.”

His voice was soft, and knowing it was him live, brought a fresh lump to her throat and she couldn’t reply.

“Liv?”

She swallowed and cleared her throat before trying again.

“I’m here.”

“I’m glad you called. I wasn’t sure if you’d even want to. It’s so good to hear your voice.”

Olivia had so many questions but couldn’t verbalize any of them. She just held tightly to the device that was a connection to the man she hadn’t seen in nearly two years. 

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” he said, and she let out a laugh. 

“You always did know what I was thinking, Rafael.”

The man at the other end of the line sagged a little in relief to hear her say his first name. It told him all hope was not lost. He had agonized over how to reach out to her. He certainly wasn’t going to show up at her door uninvited after all this time. A phone call, had she answered an unfamiliar number, would have left him open to her hanging up on him. A letter seemed too impersonal. He settled on an email. And after hearing that song recently on a throwback playlist, realized the words were a near perfect fit for what he wanted to tell her. 

“Are you going to ask me any of them?”

She could hear the smile in his voice and pictured that little lopsided grin she knew he only used with her. 

“I don’t know where to start,” Olivia admitted. 

She’d interrogated thousands of people in her career, but couldn’t formulate one question at that moment. Where had he been? What had he been doing? How was he? Did he look the same? Why had he decided to contact her now?

“Fair enough. Can I ask you one?”

“Of course.”

“Are you angry with me?”

That took her by surprise. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting. Maybe a question about Noah. Or work. Olivia stood and walked to the window. The leaves at the very tops of the trees were just beginning to change color. It would be fall soon. Her favorite season. Rafael waited on his end.

“I was.”

“And now?”

He heard her sigh before answering.

“I’m too old to live holding grudges, Rafael. Life’s too short. You did what you thought was best for you. You didn’t owe me anything.”

“Objection.”

Olivia smiled and leaned her forehead against the cool glass.

“I have a question now.”

“Okay.”

“You play the guitar?”

He chuckled and she imagined the crinkles beside his eyes that used to appear when he laughed. She wondered if he, like her, had more lines on his face now.

“I learned how to play when I was a child. For my _ Abuelita _ . She used to have me play for _ mis tias _when they came to visit. I hadn’t played in years. But my --” 

He paused and Olivia’s heart rose to her throat. She prayed _ please don’t let him say girlfriend or boyfriend _ and then immediately felt guilty because she had no claim on him. He had been gone for almost two years. He deserved to have someone in his life.

“-- my therapist suggested I needed a hobby. A pastime. Something other than work, and something less destructive than drinking or smoking.”

The words tumbled from her lips before she could stop them, her relief so great that he’d said therapist. 

“You smoke?”

The chuckle came again into her ear and warmed her body like a sip of his favorite scotch.

“I did. Before I moved to the Manhattan DA’s office. Then I quit.” 

He didn’t tell her it was because he didn’t want a certain detective smelling smoke on him.

“I started again after.”

“Oh.”

“But I’ve quit again.”

“Good. So guitar.”

“It was either that or musical theatre and the local show at the time was Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

Now it was her turn to laugh.

“You’d make an adorable Caracatus Potts.”

Rafael made a sound of disgust. 

“His wardrobe is atrocious.”

She laughed again, and it was his turn to be warmed by the sound. He had missed her laughter most of all, he thought. 

“I’m glad you chose guitar,” Olivia said, picturing his long fingers coaxing music from the metal strings. Then added, “And that song.”

She could almost hear him get serious at his end.

“We have a lot to talk about, Liv.”

“We do.”

“I don’t want to do it over the phone.” He paused, and then took a leap. “I want to see you.”

To touch you, Rafael added silently.

“I want to see you too. Are you home? I mean, in New York.”

Olivia held her breath, hoping he wouldn’t say he was on the other side of the country, or worse, out of it.

“Yes.”

She let it out with a quiet whoosh.

“When can we -- “

“As soon as you buzz me up,” Rafael interrupted. “I’m glad to see this building finally added some security.”

Olivia froze. He was here? In her building? Mere floors below her?

“Liv? Are you there? Is it a bad time? I can --”

It never occurred to him that while he hadn’t been involved with anyone since -- well since he went to work with the SVU squad, that she might not have started a new relationship in the months since he left. A flush of anger and jealousy swept through him at the thought. Then guilt. He’d told her he had to move on. She had every right to do the same.

“No, no!”

She rushed to the security panel beside her door and pressed the button to release him from the foyer to the bank of elevators. 

“See you in a minute,” Rafael said as she heard the lift doors ping.

“Okay.” 

Olivia ended the call and hurried to the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror. Thanking the makeup gods for waterproof mascara, she ran a quick brush through her hair and smoothed her shirt. There was no time to change from the comfortable clothes she’d put on when she and Noah got home. She shrugged at her reflection. It shouldn’t matter, it was just Rafael, she told herself. He’d seen her at some of her worst. But somehow it did matter.

As she returned to the living room, there was a light knock at the door. Caution dictated she look through the peephole, but she didn’t want her first glimpse at Rafael Barba after this long to be distorted through a security lens. Taking a cleansing breath, Olivia grasped the knob and opened the door.

Both of them would be lying if they said the other hadn’t changed. Rafael drank in her appearance, noting the slightly shorter length of her hair and the added highlights. Her weight hadn’t changed much; if anything, she appeared more fit than when he last saw her. There were more fine lines on her face and she was carrying tension in her shoulders. But that could be his appearance at her door, he thought. To Olivia, he had never looked better. All the stress he’d worn on his face the last months they worked together was gone. His hair was longer on top, more casually styled and with a lot more gray. Although she had always secretly wondered if he did something to hide it when he was an ADA. His face sported an equally gray but smartly trimmed short beard and mustache that looked incredibly sexy she thought, with a rush of desire she hadn’t felt in a long time. Long moments passed as the former ADA and newly promoted SVU Captain gazed at one another. Rafael recovered first.

“Are you going to invite me in?” he asked, offering her a glimpse of that half grin and Olivia’s heart stuttered at the sight.

She released the doorknob and stepped back.

“Sorry, yes.”

He stepped over the threshold and into her personal space, giving the door a little shove so it closed gently behind him.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Olivia raised her hand as if to touch his face but then just gestured toward it and then dropped back to her side.

“Beard is new.”

Rafael bobbled his head back and forth. 

“I grew it at first out of laziness and kept it to hide behind I think, and then it grew on me.”

“I like it.” 

She smiled and held his gaze.

Now it was his turn to raise a hand, and unlike her, he succumbed to his urge to touch. First, the backs of his fingers against her hair at the side of her face barely grazing her cheek, then his finger tips down her shoulder and arm, stopping at her wrist and giving her hand a squeeze.

“I’ve missed you,” he said.

“I’ve missed you too,” Olivia said. 

He hadn’t released her hand and in a move that surprised even herself, she laced her fingers with his and took a step closer. With her in socks and him in shoes, he had an incremental height advantage. She swore he could hear her heart thudding in her chest. Now, she raised her other hand and pressed it against his cheek.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she whispered, before sliding her hand around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder. 

Rafael released the hand holding his and wrapped both arms around her waist, pulling her tight against him. Her free hand went around his back. His face against her hair took him back to that day in her office when Noah was missing and they hadn’t yet learned he was with Sheila; she smelled the same. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine no time had passed. But it had. He pulled back and ducked his head so he could look at her face. There was a tear on her cheek. 

“Oh, Liv. Don’t cry.”

He used his thumb to brush it away, cupping her cheek as he did.

“These are happy tears.”

She sniffled slightly and brushed at her eye with a knuckle as his other hand appeared holding a handkerchief. She smiled and shook her head in amusement, taking it to finish drying the moisture.

“Much as I enjoy what you’ve done with the hallway, can we go sit down?” 

Olivia smiled at the familiar snark and took his hand again because she enjoyed the way it felt in hers and led the way to the couch. Rafael’s eyes roamed around the apartment. Fundamentally the place looked the same, but new paint, photos showing an older Noah and toys that were more advanced were proof that her life had gone on without him. His heart ached at the thought. Had the boy even asked about him, he wondered.

“Glad to see Noah still thinks toy boxes are decorative.”

He picked up a baseball from his corner of the couch and lowered himself into it, drawing her down beside him, as she was still holding his hand. He didn’t care. Olivia could hold his hand as long as she wanted. For her own part, his touch was grounding her; reminding her this wasn’t a dream. That Rafael really was back and in her apartment. They regarded each other for a moment then she said,

“I’m ready to ask those questions now.”

He placed his free hand on his chest.

“I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth; so help me God.”

Olivia squeezed the hand she’d been holding and released it finally.

“I know you’d never lie to me, Rafa.”

Beneath his palm he could feel his heartbeat increase, but hoped his face revealed nothing, because he knew she could read him well, even if he thought he had his courtroom face on. _ Only once _, he thought. And it was more a lie of omission. One that he hoped to correct.

Her questions weren’t anything he hadn’t expected, starting with where he had gone when he left the city. She wasn’t surprised to hear he had fled to Miami at first. None of his relatives lived there anymore, but it brought back comforting memories from childhood when he and his mother would visit her sisters. But after six months of unchanging weather and the threat of a hurricane, he returned to New York. Needing something to occupy his mind, he asked Rita if she knew anyone who was hiring upstate. One of her partners had retired from their firm and opened an office in one of the northern counties. The older man took sympathy on him and hired him. A lot of it was administrative and basic legal work. A far cry from what he had been doing, but Rafael found it refreshing. Almost like rediscovering the law again, he told her. Rafael watched the set of her lips as Olivia realized the defense attorney had known where he was all along and hadn’t said anything.

“Don’t be mad at Rita,” he said. “I asked her not to tell anyone. I was just starting to come to terms with….everything.”

This time it was he who reached for her hand. He held it and rubbed his thumb across the top until her face softened.

"So is that where you've been since?" Olivia finally said. 

She was having a hard time focusing with his thumb caressing her, even though it was just the top of her hand. He nodded. 

"Mostly. I have a place up there but I've been back and forth between here and there the last couple of weeks. I've, ah, been meeting with McCoy. He contacted me when Stone left."

Olivia's eyebrows rose in surprise. 

"That's what I thought too, at first. Seems like Stone's antics this past year made Jack realize he made a mistake. Charging me, hiring Stone. The whole thing. I think he was expecting Stone to be like his father."

Rafael shook his head. 

"He wasn't."

Olivia echoed his movement.

"Not at all. I mean, I know they do things differently in Chicago but he didn't even try to fit in here. Well, other than trying to seduce me and bribe Noah."

Now it was Rafael's turn to raise his brows. His hand tightened on hers. 

"Seduce?"

She laughed. 

"Well, what would you call it when he invited me into his office while he was changing his shirt?"

His eyebrows furrowed and she reached out to smooth them with her thumb. 

"It didn't work. Neither did offering Noah Mets tickets."

Her hand slid down to cup his cheek.

"He didn't replace you, Rafa."

"So you haven't? There hasn't been?"

He stumbled over the words, but he needed to know. He wasn't going to bare his soul if she was going to tear it to shreds. Olivia shook her head again. Her own heart was in her throat but she had lost this opportunity once, she wasn’t going to lose it again.

“I may not have made it clear to you that day outside the courthouse,” she began. “But I love you, Rafael Barba. I’ve been in love with you for years, even though I couldn’t admit it to myself until you stood there and waxed poetic about colors and old westerns and I thought you were going to tell me you loved me. But you didn’t. You left me and it nearly broke my heart.”

Olivia met his gaze with such intensity he wanted to look away. But he couldn’t. She had beaten him to the punch. Said the words first, and he wasn’t going to stop her.

“But I know you. I know that beneath those vests and suspenders and swagger and big brass ego, lies a very guarded heart. A heart that you gave away once and had it thrown back in your face. So you’ve kept it protected. And when you started to question what you were doing in the DAs office and then when McCoy took you to trial, even though you were found not guilty, you thought you had disappointed me and that I would reject you if you told me how you felt. So instead you left. To keep your heart protected. You didn’t mean to hurt me — “

“No, I didn’t,” he interrupted and she put her fingers over his lips.

“I know. I know you didn’t. That’s why I waited. I knew you would come back. You just needed to figure out for yourself that what you did came from a place of mercy, of compassion, and remember all the good you'd done working as a DA. I just hoped —“

Olivia stopped and swallowed hard. When she spoke again, it was in the whisper her voice always dropped to when she was feeling emotional. He knew from watching her with victims it was the only way she could force out the words. 

“— hoped that when you did come back, you might feel the same way.”

“Might?” he echoed. “Was I really that good at hiding my feelings?”

He never thought so. He always thought his heart was sitting right there next to his cufflinks every time the woman opposite him walked into the room.

“Well, there was that one time you threw me out of your office when you found out about me and Tucker that I thought…. “

Her voice trailed off as Olivia’s brain caught up with his words and Rafael watched her eyes light up in realization. He took both her hands in his.

“Olivia Benson, I have loved you for as long as I can remember. You are _ mi sol y mi luna _. The reason I get up each day, and what I dream about every night. You are my inspiration and my motivation. My -- “

“Barba,” she interrupted.

“What?”

“Sometimes you talk too much.”

Olivia leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.

Their first kiss was everything either of them had imagined and more. Her lips were soft against his; his beard tickled slightly and made her think about how it would feel on other parts of her body. Rafael released her hands and slid them around her waist, pulling her closer as he leaned back. He slid down against the cushions, taking her with him so she was leaning against his chest, her own arms around his shoulders. Tilting his head so he could better explore her mouth when she parted her lips to his tongue, his hands found their way beneath her shirt. He felt goosebumps rise under his fingers as they skated up and down her spine. Olivia moved her own hands south from his shoulders and had started to untuck his shirt from the waist of his jeans, her fingers ghosting over his zipper. He bit back and groan and was glad he did because suddenly they heard a small voice.

“Mom?”

Olivia pulled back and looked over the couch to see Noah standing in the hallway. 

“What’s wrong, honey?”

She pushed to her knees and got off the couch. Rafael had gone yet unnoticed by the boy since he was reclined into the cushions.

Noah held out his hand, palm up. In it was a plastic tooth. The school nurse sent them home with children whose teeth came out during the school day, the precious commodity for the Tooth Fairy safe inside.

“We forgot to put my tooth under my pillow,” he told her solemnly.

Noah had told and showed her that his loose tooth came out while he was eating apple slices at lunch, but with the birthday party changing up their usual routine, Olivia hadn’t checked his backpack before bed for the container. Her eyes flickered down at Rafael, who was looking at her with amusement. At both being caught making out and at her son’s serious tone. He raised an eyebrow at her and she tipped her head to the side, biting her lip. Then she held her hand out to the boy.

“I don’t think you were asleep long enough for the Tooth Fairy to have come and gone,” she said. “But before I tuck you back in, there’s someone here you might want to say hello to.”

Frowning, because he still hadn’t seen the man on the couch, who now pushed himself upright and ran a sheepish hand through his hair, Noah came forward as bidden.

“Who’s here?”

The boy wearing pajamas with major league baseball logos on them stopped short, looking at the former ADA as if he wasn’t sure what he was seeing.

“Hi, Noah.”

“Hi.”

He didn’t seem to be as happy to see him as his mother and a fresh wave of guilt swept over Rafael, thinking about how he’d just declared his love for Olivia but her son looked about ready to kick him out on his ear. A frown creased his small brow.

“Mom said you went away.”

The man nodded.

“I did. But I’m back now.”

“You made her sad.”

“Noah,” his mother cautioned. 

She was watching the dance between two generations of men with interest. Clearly her son was feeling protective of her and wasn’t going to forgive quickly. But she wasn’t going to let him be disrespectful.

“It’s okay, Liv,” Rafael said. “He’s allowed to speak his piece with me too.”

“Speak my piece? What does that mean?” Noah asked.

“It means you’re allowed to tell me how you felt when I left and how you feel about me coming back,” he explained. “I know I made your mom sad and I’m sorry I did that. Sometimes grownups make mistakes. I made a mistake leaving and not telling you both where I was going, but I also needed some time away from the city.”

“Because of the baby that died?”

The two adults shared a surprised glance. Occasionally she made mention of putting bad guys in jail, but never any details. She definitely hadn’t told Noah anything about the Householder case. When neither of them answered, the boy went on.

“I heard some of the moms and nannies talking about it in the park after Uncle Rafa left. They asked Lucy about it, but she didn’t answer them and then we had to come home,” Noah explained.

Rafael’s mind was racing; trying to figure out how to reply to the boy with an age-appropriate explanation. He knew Olivia wasn’t a fan of lying to children, because she told him once it always comes back to bite you. She took the lead and spoke first. Sitting back down, she drew Noah onto her lap, facing Rafael.

“What did you hear the moms and nannies say?”

“That a baby died and it was Uncle Rafa’s fault,” he told her. “Then they asked Lucy what she knew about it and if he got barred. Lucy told them Uncle Rafa was a friend of our family and she wasn’t going to gossip about him. I asked her what gossip meant and she said it was when you say things about someone that aren’t nice or true. Then we came home.”

“Lucy is right. Gossiping about someone isn’t nice,” Rafael told him. “Did the ladies ask Lucy if I had been disbarred?”

Noah nodded. “I think so. What does that mean?”

“It means not being allowed to be a lawyer anymore and no, I wasn’t. I left my job at the courthouse because I needed a little break. Like a vacation,” he explained.

“Was it your fault the baby died?”

The man’s heart sank. How did one explain what he did to a child? He knew children saw things in black and white, with little gray areas. How was he going to explain that the simple answer was yes, but that a very large however followed? Olivia took over, putting one arm around her son and reaching over to take Rafael’s hand with the other.

“Noah, the baby -- whose name was Drew -- was very sick. You know how you’ve seen Billie learn to do things as she’s gotten bigger? Crawl and eat and learn how to say words? Well, Drew couldn’t do any of those things and he was older than Billie is. He was in the hospital and needed nurses and doctors to take care of him all the time. He had a machine to help him breathe and that machine was turned off. And because he couldn’t breathe by himself, he died.”

Her explanation seemed to have shifted his focus from it being Rafael’s fault to something new because now he asked,

“Was his Momma sad that he died?”

“Yes, both his parents were sad. We were all sad. But they were happy too, because now he’s in heaven where he doesn’t need a machine to help him breathe or doctors to take care of him.”

Noah looked at Rafael.

“So you went away because you were sad that baby Drew died?”

The man looked at Olivia. She nodded.

“Yes,” he replied, without elaborating and that seemed to satisfy the boy, who nodded and yawned, leaning against his mother. “But I’m back now. And if it’s okay with you and your mom I’d like us to spend more time together.”

“Okay.” 

Noah yawned again.

“Come on, sweet boy, let’s go put your tooth under your pillow so the Tooth Fairy can come,” said Olivia, trying to get him to stand up from her lap.

“Carry me.”

“Noah, you’re too big,” she began but Rafael interrupted her.

“I’ll take him.”

He stood, reached down and lifted him into his arms, supporting him under his bottom. Noah put his arms around Rafael’s neck and his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes.

“_E__stás comiendo piedras? _” he pretended to groan under the boy’s weight, earning a sleepy giggle. “When did you get so big?”

Olivia ran her palm down Rafael’s back as she passed by to lead the way to Noah’s room. Her touch reminded him where they’d been headed when Noah interrupted them. He wondered if she would be as interested in picking up where they left off, now that they’d just had a serious conversation with the child. She slipped the tooth beneath his pillow as Rafael lay him down. The boy was all but asleep. He reached out and tucked Eddie into his side and his mother pulled the covers over him. 

“Good night, sweet boy,” she said, bending to kiss his cheek.

“_ Sueňa con los angelitos _,” said Rafael, doing the same. 

When he straightened and turned toward her, she was blinking; her eyes suspiciously bright. 

“What?” he asked quietly.

Olivia took him by the hand and led him, not back to the living room, but to her own bedroom. Once inside, she stopped and took his other hand in hers.

“I know this might seem sudden, but just now, seeing you with Noah, I realized this is what I want. _ You _are what I want, Rafa. We were both scared and stubborn before, but I’m not anymore. If you don’t want to come back to the city, we’ll find a place outside. I can commute. Or hell, I’ll retire and we can move back upstate where your place is.”

She laughed.

“I don’t think Dodds wants me as Captain anyway. I think the only reason he promoted me was because it makes him look good to have a female Captain. I get the feeling there’s a lot more politics involved with the job now, too, and that’s not me. You know that. I --”

“Olivia.” 

It was his turn to interrupt her.

“What?”

“Sometimes you talk too much too.”

She opened her mouth to retort but he silenced her with a kiss. Then he said, 

“I’m coming back to New York. That’s what I started to tell you before when I said I’d been meeting with McCoy. He wants me back and I’ve accepted. He’s retiring next year and he wants me to run for DA.”

Olivia’s eyes widened in surprise and he grinned.

“I know. He threw my own words back at me; about how everyone loves a comeback.”

She patted his chest.

“Well, you will make a good one.”

“I have to win the election first. But with the SVU Captain by my side, how can I not?” Rafael winked at her.

“You know, you won’t be able to be my ADA, right? I think there might be some concern about pillow talk.”

She smiled at him, and resumed her earlier attempt at untucking and unbuttoning his shirt.

“What is Noah going to think when I’m still here in the morning?” he asked, his own hands reaching around to cup her butt and pull her hips against his.

“We’ll tell him you’re part of what the Tooth Fairy brought -- shit! I need to go get that tooth.”

Olivia took a step away, looking longingly at his chest, bared from her efforts.

Rafael cupped her face in his hands and kissed her lovingly.

“I’ll take care of it. You get comfortable and I’ll be right back.”

He left the bedroom swiftly after toeing off his shoes by the door.

She ducked into the bathroom to take a moment to freshen up and try and calm her pounding heart. It had been a while, and although she loved and trusted Rafael with all her heart, she was still nervous. When she opened the bathroom door, he was seated on the bed, leaning against the headboard, comforter and sheet pulled down. He was undressed down to his boxer briefs and looked every bit like he belonged there. Olivia joined him on the bed, having shed her leggings and bra, wearing only her panties and shirt. Both were quickly dispatched and were joined on the floor by his underwear as the pair took their time exploring each other’s bodies and learning what elicited sounds of pleasure from the other. Like the woman beneath him, it had been a while since Rafael had been with anyone and he knew he wouldn’t last long once inside her, so he coaxed one orgasm from her with his fingers, while his mouth lavished attention on her breasts and finally had her panting, 

“Please, please, Rafa. I need to feel you inside me.”

He acquiesced to her pleas and groaned quietly against her neck at the feel of her warm heat. His movements were slow and deep, trying to stave off his own orgasm as long as possible, but finally her legs that were wrapped around his, encouraged him to move more quickly and her soft whimpers told him she was on the edge once more. 

“Come with me, my love,” he whispered in her ear and buried himself deep in her one last time as she heeded his request.

Later, as they lay curled together, talking and touching, on the verge of sleep, Olivia finally thought to ask,

  
“How much did you put under his pillow?”

“Five.”

“Holy crap, Barba, that’s quite a reward for a baby tooth that isn’t even a molar.”

“It was either that or a twenty,” he told her.

“Well, now the Tooth Fairy has set a precedent, counselor. Guess I'm going to have to keep you around.”

"At least until we're eighty-five."

**Author's Note:**

> Hugs and kisses to my Spanish consultant, Hasbleidy! She gave me those sweet words that Rafael said to Noah. The first translates to "are you eating rocks?" and the second, "dream of angels".


End file.
